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Written the morning after my dad died.

My first great loss was my grandfather, Tito. I think – because the prodigious memory I once had is lost, even for things in my long lost childhood, and now it’s hard to put them in order. Who died first? Was I 5, 6 or 7 when it happened?

My grandfather Tito, my uncle Anibal, one of my aunts and my mother holding me. Tito was embarking for a trip to Europe. Circa 1970.

So perhaps my first great loss was my cousin Fernando. I think that it was in the summer before I turned six and started first grade. Our nuclear family, along with Granny and my aunt Gladys, had spent a fortnight in Mendoza, staying at the house of my dad’s college friend Héctor, and I think when we returned we heard that there was something wrong with Fernandito. They thought he had hepatitis. Sometime later it was confirmed it was leukemia. This was the time before treatments.

My parents, the three of us and my grandmother in Mendoza, aunt Gladys must have taken the picture.

Fernando was seven. At least, Fernando has forever been seven in my memory – which seemed very grown up when I wasn’t quite six. That summer – or perhaps it was the one after, I don’t know how long it took for the illness to progress -, his parents rented a country house with a pool in City Bell. I remember playing with him and the other kids in the living room. He had gotten a roulette wheel – later, I’d get one as well. I’m not sure why it was fun to play it, but it seemed quite special.

At my 5th birthday party. Fernando is the blond boy in the front.

Ironically, one memory of this time is quite traumatic. One time, while playing in the pool, my dad thought it’d be fun if he put his leg on my head while I was underwater, making me feel trapped underwater. I’m sure it was just for a few seconds, but it was a horrible sensation – which is why I still remember this well over 40 years later. I think through my childhood this was my one big resentment towards my father.

Why am I going back to memories of the bad things? Should I not remember only the good times? Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. Maybe it’s my mind trying to warn me against idealizing my father and vilifying my mother – a far more conflictive person, very much like me.

My other memory of Fernando at the time was when he was at the Hospital de Niños in La Plata. The hospital had only one private room, at the front, with a window overlooking the Parque Saavedra and a door opening towards a long and narrow patio. I knew the room well. My mother had spent three months with my sister there when she got sick as a baby. I stayed with my aunt Gladys and we would visit them there. It was strange to see Fernando and his mom staying in a room that I felt as belonging to my mom.

My parents and the three of us at the Parque Saavedra. My mom is holding my sister Gabriela. Sometimes we would go to the park with them when we visited them at the hospital. Early 1973.

At the hospital, we played Carta Alta – a game Fernando had invented.

If my memory doesn’t betray me, I learned of Fernando’s death while at school. I can’t recall if it was fall or winter or anything else. I can’t recall my grief when he died but I have grieved him ever since.

I think Tito must have died after Fernando, because I was spending the night my cousin Esteban – Fernando’s brother – when Tito died. I don’t remember Fernando being there. I do remember several things:

1- It was January 5th, the night before el Día de los Reyes, Three Kings Day, which was a big celebration back then in Argentina.

2- Fernando and Esteban’s parents, my cousins Barullo and Ana, took us to see the Three Kings Day parade on Calle 12 and they bought us bags of confetti and cans of foam. The latter were expensive and it’s not something that my parents would buy me, so it felt quite special.

3- I didn’t believe in the Three Kings (nor in Santa Claus). My mother claimed she didn’t believe in lying to kids (ha!) so she always told us they were make believe. My cousins told me to not tell Esteban they weren’t real and I felt quite grown up keeping the secret.

4- Esteban’s parents left water and straw for the camels. This was a new tradition for me – at my home we didn’t leave anything.

In the morning, after we got our presents, my dad arrived. He told me that Tito had died and I broke down – like I did last night, when I heard my dad died and I like I did this morning, when I woke up to the reality that he is no longer here. I remember him holding me in his arms as I cried and cried and cried. I remember the endless pain and desperation of Tito’s death which now blends with the pain and desperation of my dad’s own death. But I also remember the comfort of my dad’s arms and my dad’s love. Maybe that’s what my mind is doing, bringing him back to comfort me over his own death.

Oh, papi. Te quise tanto. Creí que te lo iba a contar hoy, cuando fuera a visitarte. Te quiero tanto. No sé como lidiar con tu muerte. Así que vuelvo a los seis años y a tus brazos.

My dad and I, when I turned one.

iProven thermometer & PulseOximeter.org oximeter

For the last couple of months I’ve been looking to buy a thermometer and an oximeter to have on hand in case any of us developed symptoms of Coronavirus. Somehow, the only thermometer we had at home was a cheap one from Walgreens that gave what were clearly faulty readings (no, we don’t all have temperatures in the 95-96 ranges). But finding either at a regular store or Amazon.com was impossible, though I kept checking from time to time.

I finally decided to take the plunge and order these from online sites I’ve never hard of – figuring that if I didn’t get them, I could always make a claim with my credit card. I’m happy to announce that they arrived quickly and without problems.

FL350 Fingertip Pulse Oximeter - Blood Oxygen Monitor (Black) - with Case

The oximeter I bought is the FL350 Fingertip Pulse Oximeter from PulseOximeter.org. It was $44, and it’s also available at Amazon, where it gets almost 5 stars, but it’s currently unavailable. After doing some internet research I found out that PulseOximeter.org is actually owned by FaceLake, the company that manufactures these (or imports them and puts their name on it, as is so often the case these days).

In any case, it arrived (four days after I ordered it, via USPS), and so far it seems to work. Of course, I have nothing to compare it with, and none of us have other symptoms, but at least the pulse reader seems accurate.


I ordered the thermometer from iProven, a company that also sells oximeters. I got the “Best Digital Medical Thermometer – Easy, Accurate, Fast Oral & Rectal Thermometer – DTR-1221A“. It looks just like any of the cheap oral thermometers out there, but as it was $25 I’m hoping it will be better. I can already confirm that it has a flexible tip and it is very fast. It did take a full week to arrive, however, via USPS.

Articles You Should Read

I’m posting them here so I can find them and refer to them over and over and over.

Politics

The Best Article Ever

How Half Of America Lost Its F**king Mind

Read this article. Then re-read it. Whenever you wonder why the right wing does something crazy, read it again.

Coronavirus

Peer Review of “COVID-19 Antibody Seroprevalence in Santa Clara County, California”

The study is a total mess.

Antibody Tests For Coronavirus Can Miss The Mark

Why a test that is 95% accurate, can actually have an 80% failure rate.

Recommendations for Movies to Watch during the Quarantine

I asked my friends in FB which movies to watch during our forced quarantine, based on my like for thrillers, horror and dystopian movies, and these are the suggestions I’ve gotten. Posted here, so I can find them later:

Series

Movies

  • Duel by Steven Spielberg, $4 on Amazon Prime
  • Andromeda Strain
  • House of Games
  • Three Days of the Condor
  • Manchurian Candidate
  • Lathe of Heaven

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